Bondage is Kinky...

For some us, pain is pleasure. Actually, for most of us, it is our truth. 


If truth be told, I am terrified of this blog. I am terrified of writing. I am scared I will offend readers by not looking at all the different and never-ending perspectives of a concern. I am muted by the fact that I will look inadequate and vulnerable - thus weak because, as a teacher, I am in a position to always "know" the correct answer. But what is knowledge? We might find our ego declaring it is a fixed entity, a place for us to feel grounded and secure. 


Tracing all these fears, I find I am in a constant self-defeating pattern. Because I find these anxieties threatening, I block the chance for these concerns to be let out by staying in the secure realm of denial, a facade of happiness. In reality, then, I am unable to bring true peace to my soul. 


But what if we dealt with these feelings of insecurity - rather than trying to escape them - by feeling them, by acknowledging them, and then by letting them go.  Yes, it is much harder than it seems as we have be taught by myriads of sources to deny the shadow or scary parts of our soul. Most of the time we use distraction - entertainment, food, alcohol - to disregard these moments of anguish that block our bliss.


But what does it really mean for our minds and bodies to let it go? I am working on discovering that answer right now, and there I go again letting my mind feel calm by thinking there is an obvious answer to be discovered and positioning my life around that answer. In the end, perhaps we should think about knowledge and experience as a continuum instead of a finite point of stability - a journey instead of a destination.


Anne Lamott's famous words may provide some insight on how to let ourselves go:
"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it." 


We must relax into the moment by no longer struggling with our self-imposed limits of being perfect and omniscient. 


But initially it's not really about letting anything go. Rather, it is about embrace. 


My husband's favorite quote is from Born to Run in which we are told to "make friends with pain."  Pushing ourselves beyond what we think we can handle is not an easy lesson. It is about welcoming the fact we don't have all the answers, we don't have all the knowledge. All we have is what we feel and the choice to move forward. And sometimes, what we feel is threatening. 


But know this is a message you are meant for greater things. We know that challenges are opportunities for growth.


Pema Chodron describes these instants as moments of lucidity: "They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck." These moments of self-doubt and fear of judgment can bind us to the past, blocking our true self. It is our choice then to either get clogged up with kinks or become a "spiritual warrior" by seeing their true nature - our patterns of thought getting reflected back to us. 


Luckily, once we accept security as an illusion, our displacement fades as well. We can either get bound by our fear - the negative voices in our head- or seek out the kinks, unraveling the next level of ourselves.