Yes, I finally bought a pair of TOMS.
When they first came out, I hated them. They hardly had any structure, and you could see every line and curve of a person's toes. They looked like a underdeveloped shoe - which is the shoemaker's intent. How could he make the cheapest shoe that people would buy, so that he could give a pair to shoeless people in Argentina's country towns? Blake, the creator, is very handsome, had a brilliant marketing plan (use free advertising from ATT commercials to further his business), and was doing something to better the world. I hated the shoe. I hated him. Classic jealousy - why didn't I think of this idea?!
During Christmas, they came out with a sturdier constructed glitter fabric. Although I was initially upset with myself for jumping on the bandwagon, I was pulled over to the dark side. Because I pride myself on being rebellious, different from others, I felt like my strong personality traits were slipping. Here I was falling for his ingenious charm and developing a social conscience. Damn you, Blake. (And they are actually super comfortable. Damn you, again.)
How does this relate to telepathy and politics you might ask.
Well, with my TOMS came a deeper awareness of my intentions and reasons for loving the shoes, albeit repressed. Why did shoes give me an uneasy feeling? Wearing TOMS, in my mind, also meant appearing liberal, vegan, and hippie so rampant on the West Coast. It also meant shoving my political ideas in people's faces. Oh god, what would people think of me?
Yes, I found a way to learn a lesson here. I am noticing I avoid conflict at all costs. I hate politics. I hate that people's passions turn militant, especially as they relate to their partisan beliefs. I hate the aggression that comes with "being right." We even go as far using the "god" of science to validate our precise and accurate opinion. But even scientists are imperfectly human. Even they sculpt limited questions and find limited answers in the guise of the truth. But, we have to believe everything science has said because it makes us feel secure. But remember how science has failed us in the past. DDT? Connecting African American brains to dog brains? Using shock therapy to heal? While we can use science for good, it can also be used for evil (Mary Shelley's Frankenstein anyone?). Yes, science has not always proven a just god.
In short, notice how many times we search for outside validation in the form of absolute truth and live only in our brains, disconnected from our heart or feelings. Being right gets a higher priority it seems. Rather, being able to prove you are right gets precedence.
If I am wearing my TOMS, you might joke with me about being liberal, driving a Subaru Outback, or voting for Obama. This might start a whole discussion with me on how since I've had dogs, my whole outlook on how animals feel pain and have a range of personalities has influenced me to eat less meat. Then, you might respond something about we have carnivore teeth, and I might respond that we have teeth for grinding, that's why they are so flat and wide in the back. This could escalate into a passionate argument and then into a full on deadlock as we each want our opinion to win and the other's to lose. Aggression meeting aggression. (and we wonder why more women don't go into politics and why bullying is becoming a common occurrence)
So, how do I ensure my argument will win? By thinking I know what you are thinking. By predicting what you will say next. In essence, to worry about your retort and how to counter that. This is consistently modeled by the media. We have hours of programming that is just endless chatter that goes no where.
But by living on edge, always ready to prove myself, and to fight for my opinion is deeply exhausting. So most times, I don't even get into it. I avoid the conflict by not buying the damn shoes.
What if I changed this pattern of behavior? What if I simply not worry about what you think? Ahhh, but so challenging.
Another way to think about this is to see how illogical and unreliable our feedback loop is:
"When you worry about what other people think, you're not REALLY worrying about what they think, you are worrying about what you think they think. You are worry about the shadow of a shadow… their thoughts as a shadow of their feelings and actions, and your thoughts of what they think as a shadow of the real thing." Thus, we are not really communicating at all. Because each of us is talking shadows to shadows, we are not connecting at all.
It's ok to have my own opinion. And it's fine for you to have yours. But that is all that it is - an opinion. We have made laws that govern our society around those opinions that give them a false impression of power, which makes our opinions seem utterly vital. But they're not. There is no good or bad, just my view and yours.
So, I am not giving any more influence to these perspectives. I am no longer worrying about what you think. Even better, I am not going to torment myself for not being more political or for buying shoes that may have a political message. I am simply going to label them thoughts, disconnecting the moral imperatives that we often need to attach to prove we are right or guilt trip ourselves into feigned acts of good.
In the end, reading people's minds has become a vicious cycle in which we search for secure ground. When we search for validation instead of just being ourselves, we aren't really communicating, we aren't really changing anything, and we are blocking our vibration into the world.
A strategy on how to overt the pugnacious attempts of being right includes cultivating inner peace that will echo into the world: "It starts with seeing our opinions of ourselves and of others as simply our take on reality and not making them a reason to increase the negativity on the planet."
I'll return to cursing TOMS once again. Damn you for making me less "political" - that is I am giving up being more concerned with status or authority, being right, rather than matters of principle. Damn you for making me give up telepathy. While it was unnerving to constantly worry about how others perceive me, not worrying feels like I am wearing a underdeveloped shoe. While to some who crave structure, they may feel flimsy at first, after wearing them for awhile, they are freeing.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Bondage is Kinky...
For some us, pain is pleasure. Actually, for most of us, it is our truth.
If truth be told, I am terrified of this blog. I am terrified of writing. I am scared I will offend readers by not looking at all the different and never-ending perspectives of a concern. I am muted by the fact that I will look inadequate and vulnerable - thus weak because, as a teacher, I am in a position to always "know" the correct answer. But what is knowledge? We might find our ego declaring it is a fixed entity, a place for us to feel grounded and secure.
Tracing all these fears, I find I am in a constant self-defeating pattern. Because I find these anxieties threatening, I block the chance for these concerns to be let out by staying in the secure realm of denial, a facade of happiness. In reality, then, I am unable to bring true peace to my soul.
But what if we dealt with these feelings of insecurity - rather than trying to escape them - by feeling them, by acknowledging them, and then by letting them go. Yes, it is much harder than it seems as we have be taught by myriads of sources to deny the shadow or scary parts of our soul. Most of the time we use distraction - entertainment, food, alcohol - to disregard these moments of anguish that block our bliss.
But what does it really mean for our minds and bodies to let it go? I am working on discovering that answer right now, and there I go again letting my mind feel calm by thinking there is an obvious answer to be discovered and positioning my life around that answer. In the end, perhaps we should think about knowledge and experience as a continuum instead of a finite point of stability - a journey instead of a destination.
Anne Lamott's famous words may provide some insight on how to let ourselves go:
"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it."
We must relax into the moment by no longer struggling with our self-imposed limits of being perfect and omniscient.
But initially it's not really about letting anything go. Rather, it is about embrace.
My husband's favorite quote is from Born to Run in which we are told to "make friends with pain." Pushing ourselves beyond what we think we can handle is not an easy lesson. It is about welcoming the fact we don't have all the answers, we don't have all the knowledge. All we have is what we feel and the choice to move forward. And sometimes, what we feel is threatening.
But know this is a message you are meant for greater things. We know that challenges are opportunities for growth.
Pema Chodron describes these instants as moments of lucidity: "They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck." These moments of self-doubt and fear of judgment can bind us to the past, blocking our true self. It is our choice then to either get clogged up with kinks or become a "spiritual warrior" by seeing their true nature - our patterns of thought getting reflected back to us.
Luckily, once we accept security as an illusion, our displacement fades as well. We can either get bound by our fear - the negative voices in our head- or seek out the kinks, unraveling the next level of ourselves.
If truth be told, I am terrified of this blog. I am terrified of writing. I am scared I will offend readers by not looking at all the different and never-ending perspectives of a concern. I am muted by the fact that I will look inadequate and vulnerable - thus weak because, as a teacher, I am in a position to always "know" the correct answer. But what is knowledge? We might find our ego declaring it is a fixed entity, a place for us to feel grounded and secure.
Tracing all these fears, I find I am in a constant self-defeating pattern. Because I find these anxieties threatening, I block the chance for these concerns to be let out by staying in the secure realm of denial, a facade of happiness. In reality, then, I am unable to bring true peace to my soul.
But what if we dealt with these feelings of insecurity - rather than trying to escape them - by feeling them, by acknowledging them, and then by letting them go. Yes, it is much harder than it seems as we have be taught by myriads of sources to deny the shadow or scary parts of our soul. Most of the time we use distraction - entertainment, food, alcohol - to disregard these moments of anguish that block our bliss.
But what does it really mean for our minds and bodies to let it go? I am working on discovering that answer right now, and there I go again letting my mind feel calm by thinking there is an obvious answer to be discovered and positioning my life around that answer. In the end, perhaps we should think about knowledge and experience as a continuum instead of a finite point of stability - a journey instead of a destination.
Anne Lamott's famous words may provide some insight on how to let ourselves go:
"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it."
We must relax into the moment by no longer struggling with our self-imposed limits of being perfect and omniscient.
But initially it's not really about letting anything go. Rather, it is about embrace.
My husband's favorite quote is from Born to Run in which we are told to "make friends with pain." Pushing ourselves beyond what we think we can handle is not an easy lesson. It is about welcoming the fact we don't have all the answers, we don't have all the knowledge. All we have is what we feel and the choice to move forward. And sometimes, what we feel is threatening.
But know this is a message you are meant for greater things. We know that challenges are opportunities for growth.
Pema Chodron describes these instants as moments of lucidity: "They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck." These moments of self-doubt and fear of judgment can bind us to the past, blocking our true self. It is our choice then to either get clogged up with kinks or become a "spiritual warrior" by seeing their true nature - our patterns of thought getting reflected back to us.
Luckily, once we accept security as an illusion, our displacement fades as well. We can either get bound by our fear - the negative voices in our head- or seek out the kinks, unraveling the next level of ourselves.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Self-Worth: Money Metaphors
I was thinking today about all the ways in which money (in turn, consumerism and capitalism) pervade our words, and thus our worlds.
Think about the simple term "self-worth." As soon as we attach the word "worth," deeply encoded in our mind, we have now made the connection between our self to money, what we feel our value is worth - our bang for the buck so to speak.
It may be challenging follow this logic initially, but the search for clarity involves a slow reduction and an acute reflection of all parts of the whole. George Lakoff in The Metaphors We Live By reminds us:
The concepts that govern our thought are not just matters of the intellect. They also govern our everyday functioning, down to the most mundane details. Our concepts structure what we perceive, how we get around in the world, and how we relate to other people. Our conceptual system thus plays a central role in defining our everyday realities (AND OUR SELVES). If we are right in suggesting that our conceptual system is largely metaphorical, then the way we think, what we experience, and what we do every day is very much a matter of metaphor. But our conceptual system is not something we are normally aware of. In most of the little things we do every day, we simply think and act more or less automatically along certain lines. Just what these lines are is by no means obvious. One way to find out is by looking at language.
For me, using monetary associations in determining how we define ourselves actually limits us by identifying our intrinsic behavior as something to be governed by profit and loss. For instance, we might keep score in our relationship thinking we "owe" people time or they are in "debt" to us because we did something for them. We might likewise feel an absence of power or confidence because we are not earning the dollar amount we feel we deserve or we might demand a certain amount in exchange for our esteemed services.
This way of defining ourselves only highlights our fear that we may lack or will lose some essential quality we need to survive when dealing with other people. Wouldn't it be truly liberating to say yes to a commitment because we open our hearts to love or even no to something because it is in the spirit of self-conservation or self-love? Ultimately, using money metaphors when thinking about our abilities, we are not being compassionate with ourselves, and thus cannot recognize compassion in others. Indebting ourselves with this concept, we don't live fully because we are stripped of free will and our altruistic generosity is blocked. Would you rather live in a world where people are valued for our intrinsic ability to show love or live in a world where people are concerned only with selfish acquisition of things you also need in order to survive?
Instead of using the word "self-worth," maybe next time use "self-essence." I'm not sure "essence" is right either except it defines an abstract quality that determines a person's character. At the root of that "essence" is a connection to others, gratitude for all the love we contain, and fulfillment in our being that is never ending and renewable. Reminding ourselves of our self-essence, we constantly highlight our loving nature, which lacks nothing, which needs to buy nothing in order to feel complete. We are complete already - we were worthy the day we were born.
Think about the simple term "self-worth." As soon as we attach the word "worth," deeply encoded in our mind, we have now made the connection between our self to money, what we feel our value is worth - our bang for the buck so to speak.
It may be challenging follow this logic initially, but the search for clarity involves a slow reduction and an acute reflection of all parts of the whole. George Lakoff in The Metaphors We Live By reminds us:
The concepts that govern our thought are not just matters of the intellect. They also govern our everyday functioning, down to the most mundane details. Our concepts structure what we perceive, how we get around in the world, and how we relate to other people. Our conceptual system thus plays a central role in defining our everyday realities (AND OUR SELVES). If we are right in suggesting that our conceptual system is largely metaphorical, then the way we think, what we experience, and what we do every day is very much a matter of metaphor. But our conceptual system is not something we are normally aware of. In most of the little things we do every day, we simply think and act more or less automatically along certain lines. Just what these lines are is by no means obvious. One way to find out is by looking at language.
For me, using monetary associations in determining how we define ourselves actually limits us by identifying our intrinsic behavior as something to be governed by profit and loss. For instance, we might keep score in our relationship thinking we "owe" people time or they are in "debt" to us because we did something for them. We might likewise feel an absence of power or confidence because we are not earning the dollar amount we feel we deserve or we might demand a certain amount in exchange for our esteemed services.
This way of defining ourselves only highlights our fear that we may lack or will lose some essential quality we need to survive when dealing with other people. Wouldn't it be truly liberating to say yes to a commitment because we open our hearts to love or even no to something because it is in the spirit of self-conservation or self-love? Ultimately, using money metaphors when thinking about our abilities, we are not being compassionate with ourselves, and thus cannot recognize compassion in others. Indebting ourselves with this concept, we don't live fully because we are stripped of free will and our altruistic generosity is blocked. Would you rather live in a world where people are valued for our intrinsic ability to show love or live in a world where people are concerned only with selfish acquisition of things you also need in order to survive?
Instead of using the word "self-worth," maybe next time use "self-essence." I'm not sure "essence" is right either except it defines an abstract quality that determines a person's character. At the root of that "essence" is a connection to others, gratitude for all the love we contain, and fulfillment in our being that is never ending and renewable. Reminding ourselves of our self-essence, we constantly highlight our loving nature, which lacks nothing, which needs to buy nothing in order to feel complete. We are complete already - we were worthy the day we were born.
Quieting the Monkey Mind - What the title means
The monkey mind metaphor comes from Buddhist teachings. It means the mind jumps from one idea to the next just as monkeys jump from tree to tree. That's why to we need meditation, to break free from the endless chatter in our minds.
Part of why I am writing this blog is to find that inner peace by setting these ideas free. Secondly, I hope some of what I write will help you do the same.
In search of clarity and calm...
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