Be a Man - Not a Woman (And You Must Constantly Prove It)

What is the worst a man can be? A woman.


At a former high school where I worked, the football coach motivated boys with this cliche. Fathers in tv shows expect young boys not to be a girl by actually showing emotions and reprimand them to man up . The military reminds men to not be "pussy" and cry. This sentiment is practically built into the every day dynamics between men.


Lately, I am overwhelmed with advertising that vehemently states this. Regardless if advertising simply reflects our society or advertising denotes our society, we either need to change society at the root of the problem by heightening our awareness to this issue or let our dollar vote for our values.


While advertising may be a symptom of the larger culturally embedded sexism, we need to start somewhere. These commercials just seem to me to be layered thicker and thicker with this idea of powerful men being least like women. We have heard this line for centuries, and I think (well I hope) most of us see through it.


Over the past 30 years, women have made great strides (though the work is not done yet). Now, men must catch up to the enlightenment beyond binary gender codes. However, marketing campaigns do not seem to want that to happen.  While we understand those who sell products oversimplify and intensify in order to reach the broadest spectrum of buyers, what we see can determine how we behave.


It appears advertising is trying to widen the gap between men and women and make it seem natural that we don't want any product that the opposite gender uses. But mostly this is designated towards men. Men must have manly products, which equals the farthest thing away from woman.


These products unquestionably use the marketing strategy of "Otherness," or exclusion, to sell products, especially the intense exclusion of women from the buying demographic. Perhaps it is a backlash to the power  women have gained (and actual space they have gained in the boardrooms or battlefields) that these ads represent. These ads enforce women's emasculation of men.


Look at the Charger ad that ran at the last Superbowl that tells men because they put up with all a women's shit, they have earned at least a space to call their own = a manly Dodge Charger.


What a hard place to be if you are a man! Your two options are either a hyper masculinity or a castrated wimp that must BUY back your balls!


For both genders, the drive to look hot as well as the potent push for well-earned self-glorification hasn't been higher.  Advertisers are starting to see that "metrosexuals" are a huge buying population. These "young, urban, heterosexual males with liberal political views, an interest in fashion, and a refined sense of taste" are the new tweens in the marketing world - they represent a large consumer population that has gone unnoticed until recently.


This demographic might be seized by some marketers, but other advertisers are capitalizing on the fear that "real" men may be losing their dominance or being pushed out of society by this hipper man or gay/lesbian buyers.


This fear could be used by advertisers vying for dollars between the sexes, disguising a gendered power play to increase the marketer's profit. Men can gain back the purchasing power from the traditional demographic of women who are the holders of the purse strings: currently women buy 85% of consumer products from health care to autos.  (See more stats here.)


Consequently these marketers are actually building a larger demographic by using this type of advertising. These "manly men" are created by setting a severe cultural standard of a man that men will want to buy into by reminding men of their lost power. Men can again BUY back their dominance, and consumerism gets a place in our lives as a natural, legitimate way to gain more personal power - a sly ploy but one that may not work if men consciously think about the message.


Look at what Dove says about masculinity: Manthem Commercial.  This man doesn't look happy to married or have kids. This man likewise doesn't look happy to have a prescriptive machoness forced on him. But the last few seconds of his Rocky stance, reinforcing his manly power, is supposed to alleviate all these demands, and he feels "comfortable" in his skin, which then allows for the tagline to function.


What's also troubling about this commercial - but also very telling about this manufactured manliness  - is they were able to sum up what it means to be a man in 60 seconds (and notice how teenage sex is a requirement, which again enforces a sexual double standard for males that is supposed to be completely socially acceptable). What are men supposed to recognize here? the clear limits and constraints of masculinity today and the constraints that relationships with women put on their lives?


For me, this definition of masculinity somehow feels flat. Why do men have to prove that they're comfortably manly in order to buy their own body wash?


Furthermore, it absolutely acceptable for women to like what men like, but it is utterly unacceptable for a man to like what a women likes. Women who like hard liquor and football are now getting more consumer options - at least a voice in the traditional male realm, and thus some men and women get to share their favorite hobbies with their partners now.

However, this is not a two-way street for women. Sadly, according to this macho marketing, men undoubtedly cannot share in products that may appeal to females.

Take Dr. Pepper 10. Men cannot like diet soda. They are only allowed to like a macho soda that excludes any preconceived notion that it is for anything to do with women.

Again, poor guys trying to decode all of this amid the apprehension and fear that advertising uses to get to us!

Dr. Pepper says it was joking in order to get the product noticed: "“Women get the joke. ‘Is this really for men or really for women?’ is a way to start the conversation that can spread and get people engaged in the product."

This sounds like that undercover power play discussed earlier. Divide and conquer seems to be the strategy for these marketers. Split women and men, but label it a joke, and watch the dollars roll in. Women won't like not being able to buy it, so in an act of rebellion, they will. Men will be conned into buying it because it is hyper masculinized, and they need to find a way to reclaim their power at any cost, even in their soda selection.

We are reminded by Judith Williamson in Decoding Advertisements that "Products are thus set up as being able to buy the things you cannot buy. This puts them in a position of replacing you: they do things you can't do, for you." Women have been receiving that message forever. Now, men are being told they only become men through the purchase and consumption of these products.

Remember most advertising doesn't sell us products. It sells us values.

If men are empowered to decide what kind of men they want to be, then why does it feel like we’re still being told there’s a definition, out there, of what a man is that we’re supposed to measure up to? Or even further, that there’s a (good old, traditional) definition of a man that they can and should be in opposition to and because of other  newer, different, less masculine, more feminized versions of “man” somebody is forcing upon us?

Think about what Hugo Schwyzer from The Good Men Project believes about this:

Part of the problem, however, with this notion of performing masculinity is the mistaken idea that in order for something to be genuinely manly it must be something women don’t do. And as women have been successful in moving into once all-male bastions, some men have felt the pressure to go to ever more violent and more extreme lengths to “play at manhood.” Within living memory, only men went into combat; within living memory, contact sports for women were non-existent. A man who went to war or played hockey was made more masculine by the role he took as a soldier or a forward. In a world where women go to war—and play hockey—men who believe that true manliness lies in doing what women can’t are forced to create ever more-violent activities from which females can still be excluded. (This explains the rising popularity of the most violent video games, as well as MMA.)

But men who long for a vanished world of all-male preserves are making a fundamental mistake about masculinity. They think that the opposite of “man” is “woman” and that in order to prove oneself the former they must do (perform) things that no woman can. But it makes good sense to suggest that the better antonym of “man” is “boy.”  To “perform masculinity” isn’t about doing what women don’t. It’s about doing what boys lack the will or the maturity to do.

Ok, so if you don't think advertising matters or even affects you, then think about how many times a day this message of you are not a real man unless you have power over women is shown and reciprocated in the way man relate to each other, women, and gay/lesbian people. 


Think about the fact that on a daily basis the definition of this prescribed manliness is to put down women in order to increase manly dominance.


You know people like this who are always cutting down others to make themselves feel powerful. If you have to constantly prove you are powerful, you aren't. And if you aren't powerful, then you need to buy something to replace that lost power at any cost. Thus, this cycle seems to work since marketers are using it on men now: create insecurity and give a product that will provide a solution.


Anyone, it seems, can be a woman or less than a man, but not everyone can be as motivated and courageous as a  "real" man - at least that is what some advertisers are using to sell their products.


However, while advertising is ubiquitous, it isn't the end of the world if they show messages that offend us. But it is a missed opportunity for the marketing area. Across the board many have elevated beyond this false dichotomy: Tony Dungy and Phil Jackson are coaches who motivate with respect; the Parks and Recreation show challenges this sexist phrase; more women are being promoted in the military and awareness is being heightened. 


I just hope little boys have access to other ways of being a man. And sometimes that takes the people around them to drown out this nonsense, highlight the discrepancy, and point them towards enlightenment. 


This definitely is a starting point in analyzing the way gender is performed for men. And it wakes us up to this defunct message outside of the advertising realm and in our every day lives.

On Being a Wife...

"There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination.  Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic."  ~Anaïs Nin

It's hard to admit I haven't been happy. It's hard to admit with all the abundance I have in my life I am still not at peace or as happy as I expected. I don't have the full-time professor job. I don't have my skinny jeans on lately. I don't have the money to invest in my hobbies because I don't have a full-time job. I don't have a true partnership in marriage lately. The only thing I've had is plenty of free time, which is just asking for trouble because you can get into too much reflection and lose yourself. I searched outside for answers to finding more happiness and more direction in life: books, therapists, friends, and family. What I'm learning is our voice can get drowned out by this outside chatter. This journal is an attempt to find my own way and feel authentic in my choices.

Again, this is a work in progress. These have been in my head and I am using this space to work these ideas out, thus some might not be fully formed. While I thought I  understood there may be some happily ever afters but also a dark side to marriage as well, some of us might not even be aware of our expectations of marriage or of our partner till we actually experience these down times and reflect upon them. Below are a few of my illuminations from this time.

1. It's 70% about you and your security/peace/happiness with yourself.

Make yourself happy first: 

But with that time I have learned you must make yourself happy first, then it will naturally make your relationships better. Women are shocked to hear this. Even if you aren't, it's hard to break the cultural and social training that tells women to be self-sacrificing and helpful to others in order to find true happiness. This is an absolute farce. This is not how it works. You aren't half a circle waiting for your spouse to complete you. Make yourself happy first in finding meaningful work, hobbies, and relationships (beyond dating/husbands). Spend time just being you - without having to fit into one of the roles that women are nudged into by society. Spend time alone, find your true likes and dislikes. Work on your psychological self to break free of patterns that no longer serve you. 

Ideally, you and your partner want to be two circles that collide in fluid movement, constantly moving, constantly growing with a foundation of love - more like the infinity sign, which refers to a quantity without bound or end.

Make yourself: Decide who you want to be before just going with traditional expectations

For women, when they have been taught roles like wife and mother are the most important and not taught that finding your unique purpose where your heart, mind, and spirit connect and it feels meaningful to you, how can we be complete before entering into these roles? (And this does not mean that you can't find your purpose in the roles of wife or mother. Just like anything else, hopefully you've had time to analyze your life trajectory without having these roles thrust upon you.) 

First, we must strive to be happy in who we are without these roles, otherwise you are setting your self up to be unfulfilled. It is no one's responsibility to make you happy other than yourself. You will not find deep meaningful happiness in taking care of another person unless its a baby who naturally needs our help - and even this help varies with age.  

Sometimes without us knowing, women are taught to be the mother of her spouse. We move from hottie (that's how we got our husband in the first place), to wife (where love just oozes out of us), to mother (where we have to control all aspects of what he wears to his lunch everyday), to what? What role is after that? All we are left with is outward definitions of ourselves. When we catch on to this switching of roles, we are so out of whack we don't know what to do next. Which next role makes us who we really are? 

What if you decided not to label yourself these descriptions and just found what makes you you is your certain personality traits, your viewpoints, your dreams? It's very easy to limit our selection to these labels and for women, very much accepted in our society. We adopt them and find these stick even when we've said we don't want to be them.  

How does this work when you are a military spouse  - that is when your support network, your job, your friends constantly change? This is delicate territory. You must make yourself try new things to meet new people. And the job thing, well just be prepared it will never be what you want it to if you are married to the military - unless you are a freelancer. 

Expect to change and expect your partner will to: 

Your purpose in life evolves, thus how you relate to others in your ever-evolving perspective will change as well. I remember hearing a story about a young Native American girl and her mother. She asked her mother for advice on her wedding night. The mother held her future son-in-law's picture up and ripped it apart. She told her daughter she is not marrying an image of a person but the actual person - who will change, who will not stay that image in her mind.

Don't put your spouse in a box - having too many expectations on what a husband or wife should be or look like. Or, in other words, don't put limits on yourself or your spouse and what their behavior should be. You cannot control another person and you shouldn't be embarrassed by your partner if he/she does something you wouldn't. Let them be his/her own person. If others judge you based on your spouse, it's their problem. You be content with knowing you allow a person to be free.

This reminds us to keep focus on each one of our unique attempts at happiness as these roles like mother or wife, once achieved, like all things, will grow and change from day to day. Your choice in achieving or acquiring these roles should not define your life trajectory. Recognize a role is only one aspect of who we are. We are not limited to being these, but should remain constantly developing ourselves outside this role. 

The problem for me is, I don’t even really know what I’m looking for in life right now. That's what's hard for me. I don't know where to go next with what I want to do. I've been a wife - check in the box. I've been a dog mom - check in the box. I've been a teacher - check in the box. Now, I guess I'm just trying out new things to see what I like and what I don't.

Reduce your perfectionism: 

Where in your life do you have time to play? Where in your life do things get messy and just happen without your attempt at perfection? As soon as we eliminate free play time, the grip gets tighter on us and self-expression mutes. The pendulum swings to the opposite side and perhaps your relationship becomes messy and drama-filled in order to counter the all-encompassing perfection in your life elsewhere. (We also do this with food.) Understanding that we don't have to be super mom like Kelly Ripa - a mother of three, wife, talk show host, and still has time to do laundry and bake, you can take the pressure off of yourself and enjoy life more.  Just because the supermom is projected as the end all be all for women in most media, remember to be gentle on yourself. Who judges you if you don't meet this standard? Are you your harshest critic? And if people do judge you from the outside, it's their problem not yours. Be content with your messy side. Show personal compassion.

Reduce your self-righteousness: 

Two people can have opposite views but throw the self-righteousness away. I understand you can be utterly passionate about what you "know" to be true in your experience, but ultimately, this is a limiting behavior. One has to be willing to be open to other's views and also balance that will self-expression and authenticity for themselves. This is a tricky balance and one that I am still working on. Look at arguments as a dance instead of arguments are war, with someone losing and someone winning. Both partners can gracefully express their souls.

2. It's 30% about them.

Your partner has to be willing to put the time in as well. Don't agree to life with someone just because it feels right to fulfill the role of marriage as part of your identity.

You must choose a partner who is on the same page with you.  For me, this page is someone introspective and willing to be open to change as well. 

Again, you can't change a person or his behavior; you can only change your reaction to it. Thinking that nagging or criticizing will motivate others may work sometimes, but it drains you of precious energy. However, you must set appropriate boundaries and communicate these to your partner. If he doesn't do his share, you should be willing to move on. 

3. Jealousy has the opposite affect that you want it to.

A writer from TinyBuddha's blog has some good advice on the jealousy:

Being anything less than happy for others was blocking my own chance at success and happiness. 

Like attracts like, so by ruminating in the idea that you don’t have what someone else does have, you’re simply attracting more of what you’re feeling: lack. This means you are actually pushing away the very things you’re craving.

Yet, if you are able to celebrate in the successes of others, you are sending a very clear message to the universe: “I’ll have some of that too, please!”

It all comes down to the energy of the emotions you’re carrying. Frowning on another person’s good fortune doesn’t feel good; therefore, it can’t be creating good things. Feeling excited for someone feels good; therefore, it can help create more good things, for you and for them.

Know you can be jealous of your partner's success or happiness. This relates back to illumination one. You can't be happy for others if you are not happy with yourself. It may be hard to celebrate your partner's good fortune and support him when you aren't proud of where your life is. Counter this feeling with the advice above: make yourself happy first. However, know there are times when you might not be where you want in life. Understand there is always a lesson in tribulation. Resentment/jealousy are not "wrong" emotions. They are emotions given to us for a reason. Become aware of these, but then do the work of searching yourself for clues to why you feel these. 

4. It's your responsibility to cherish love. 

To cherish means to PROTECT and CARE for someone lovingly. Preserve is the best active verb, I believe, to understand the labor involved in cherishing love. Preservation of love means keeping it in its original state, to maintain and keep alive, and to keep safe. By using the word WORK, we are actually setting ourselves up for a false dichotomy: marriage = hard work while love = naturally easy. By conceptually enforcing marriage is hard work we are, in effect, making the opposite of that job - falling in love - as easy. The more we rage against the hard work side, the more we actually impose the hard work on ourselves. 

For some reason, part of the human condition is to rebel against restrictions. Once we say something is difficult, taxing, and strenuous, we have too much pressure on ourselves, and we naturally deflect from doing it. Words make thoughts. Thoughts make beliefs. Beliefs make actions. Actions make our life.  So, by changing our language from marriage is hard work to marriage is ________ (you pick one that works for you). For me, marriage is not one thing. It changes week by week, so remember to not get stuck in one belief for too long for you might not encourage growth. 

I like "greeting card holidays" because they do remind us to slow down and remember that love and family need to be held dear. This is a message we need to be open to. While some might complain they don't need a business to motivate them to spend money for no special reason beyond consumerism, we move to fast in this world today, concentrating on what to buy next instead of being grateful for what we already have.

Try not to be absolute in your reasoning. Yes, partly these holidays are motivated by marketing, but also they prompt us to slow down and appreciate what goodness our life consists of before we rush out to buy more "happiness." If the promotion of buying things irritates you, don't buy things on these holidays. Make your own card, write your own love letter, or do something special that know your partner desires. In the end though, these days are important to cherishing your ever evolving love. But again, remember to make your own holidays and certain rituals that keep you and your spouse reminded of how special love really is. There are tons of people still out there lonely and looking for someone they can appreciate and who can add to their lives. If you already have that person, count your blessings. 

Resolution:

Part of me wishes I could close on a hopeful note. Regardless of the logical side I've been working on here, most of me can't pull to that side of my heart where sometimes it's just good to give in to love again. This time has been utter confusion and sadness as I mourn for the uncomplicated, and well naive, love of my youth.

In keeping with that line of logical reasoning, we know every day is a chance to add to our "laborious mosaic" of identity - specifically, how our identities intersect with our marriage. Every day we can enhance our opportunities to cherish our lives and the love in our lives with the art of reflection and awareness. Now I'm just hoping my heart will follow.

If I jog, I will be a better person...

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." ~Marcel Proust

As you might know, my husband is an incredible athletic and coach. When I meet his women triathlon friends and trainees, they seem surprised that Mr. Excessive Athlete is not married to an extremely fit and toned woman. Sometimes I let this get the best of me. But sometimes I understand their confusion about why we don't seem to match up to the ubiquitous Barbie and Ken pattern that many this world promotes as the result of so much success: a successful person = a fit person; a fit/successful person = a fit/successful spouse. They don't see an equation of perfection, IronMan and IronWife, when they look at us as a couple. 


Our eyes supposedly tell us the truth. Because of the pervasiveness of the perfect female body, initially we might not see any other options than what we are taught to see. We unconsciously size people up: "Wait, why is he with her?" or we credit the man for being so loving: "Wow, look how great he is because he loves her (short, overweight, and obviously loving those doughnuts her)!" But then we settle our external judgments down and press on to the internal comparison mode: "Ok, I'm safe. I am way better looking than her. No competitiveness here. I win hands down! I don't have to worry she is better than me and again reaffirm how unworthy I am." Then, those women and I usually have a fake conversation about how great he is and then on to the next person for me to meet. 


It may seem a bit harsh to reduce these interactions between women to this pithy analysis, but unfortunately, I am guilty of this pathology too. I notice I do it myself and to myself. Most of us do. We have this horrible self-loathing relationship with ourselves. We beat ourselves up for not working out, not getting on that treadmill. Our egos (our self-esteem) fight with our superegos (our critics) all day. You think to yourself about how great that year was when you amazingly worked out daily, watched what you ate, and you felt an overwhelming sense of calm because you managed to control all the variables and achieve skinniness. You actually compete with your past self!


In reality, didn't you applaud yourself for the self-control, self-will, self-discipline you suddenly found, that is, how successful you were at obtaining a "deprivation mentality"? And now, a year latter, you hate yourself for giving in to the hour of extra sleep in the AM and the french fries at lunch. Your self-esteem has intangibly been connected to your ability to be good at controlling food intake. 


But is this all there is for women? The forever diet of deficiency? 


Perhaps, our ways of analyzing ourselves, and thus our ways of measuring ourselves, do not align with our highest goals. Why do we think being tough instead of loving will get us there? 


I know. Some of you Machiavellists are thinking fear/emotional punishment is the only true motivator. Or we might think we have to put in the "hard work" in order to see the results. Well, I know you have been hard on yourself this past year and every time you look in that mirror. Has that motivated you  to get back on the treadmill? No. There - do you see - fear, anger, or disgust does not motivate or rehabilitate us. 


With the "spiritual awakening" I have been forging through these last few months, my rules of engagement with food and exercise needed to change. The relationship was not working. It has only shifted once I saw the way I had been treating myself. 


Marcel Proust, a french novelist, reminds us, "The real voyage of discovery consists not in having new landscapes but having new eyes." Instead of trying to find new diets to tackle, retrain your eyes to see your loving self. We need to get our mind back in shape before our body will. This begins with self-compassion and loving-kindness. Let me be clear - this does not mean you tell yourself you are worthy of love while shoving a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream down. This hurts your body. You know it does because you have done it before and your stomach screams at you. But I understand - listening to those screams give you a break from those emotional voices that yell you're not good enough because you haven't been on the treadmill for a while. And thus the cycle continues: emotional pain, misuse of food, guilt and anger - all these constantly at war three (or more) times a day. 


How does struggling all day make you a better person? How does being skinny make you a better person? Don't buy into the myth your eyes tell you is truth. Relax into self-compassion. 


I know this cycle all too well. I was feeling great, eating healthily, and had a great workout schedule. Then, my husband's racing season was over and he was ready to eat and drink, making up for all the denial over the last few months. Undoubtedly, I was ready to support him in those efforts! I got off track and got lost in our daily moments of freedom. It was then that remembered how good it felt unencumbered with weights and measures. 


I looked back at the time in my life when I was the most "fit," but I never realized it was also because I was mentally secure. I started my first teaching job, I was my own best friend, and ultimately, I was living an inspired life - painting, writing, singing karaoke weekly. I was free from the concerns of comparing myself with others. I was not "skinny" then. It was only living life this way for almost a year did I wake up one day realizing I was a 2/4 from an 8. (I  hate putting those numbers out there because it is tempting to remind ourselves yet again of evaluations/appraisals based on these numbers.) Because I loved my life, I wanted to take care of the body that allowed me to live. Thinking back on it now, it was this type of thinking that got me running more. 


However, I got married and moved, and in the process lost track of myself, my needs, my desires, and my will to get on that treadmill. I was confused and lacked will-power I thought. Yet once I read Janet Surrey's article (a psychologist from The Stone Center at Wellesley College), I finally understood what happened:

Pleasing others or giving to others may become more important than learning to listen to oneself. The push toward rigid and controlled dieting, as well as meeting culturally defined standards, may be an important factor in this critical loss of self...Being "good" means staying on the diet. Being "bad" means violating the diet. Thus, in a more general sense, self-esteem becomes bound up in controlling one's appetites, instincts, and needs. A sense of effectiveness or agency becomes related to control over one's eating, which then becomes an important index of overall self-esteem...Effectiveness comes to represent the ability to control oneself rather than EXPRESS oneself... When there is no emphasis on balancing this control with the expression of needs, however, the situation becomes tilted in an unhealthy direction...In this model, the whole arena for the development of a healthy awareness and expression of one's own needs becomes DIMINISHED AND DISSOCIATED, leading to unrealistic and confusing self-images and an inability to express one's needs openly and clearly. 

Indeed, in today's world, our agency can get lost amidst those loud voices telling us we are only good if we can manage to be in control all the time. Where are these voices coming from? How many times are we reminded to control our kitchens from bacteria or control our bodies with a new diet or control our sadness with prescription drugs? While there may be level of autonomy offered as in you can choose which cleaning product to buy or what level of food program you will participate in or which particular drug might be work the best for you, we are always stuck people pleasing (or pleasing that critical voice in your head), playing it safe, or trying to eat or buy our way out of this confusion. How many times are we caught with indecision between what we think we want and what we should do? Add pressure (buy now before the germs invade, do this and you'll be skinny tomorrow, take a pill to make it all go away immediately) to that mix, and we have no idea what our true selves really want. Are we inadvertently adopting this type of thinking in our relationships with food/exercise? Where does our voice fit in? No wonder we are confused!


What if we stepped out of this duality of self-control=self-esteem/freedom=self-loathing and worked within the paradigm of self-compassion?


Today, after two weeks of trying to (in reality more like two years), I got up, did my morning journaling, and got on the treadmill before I did or took care of anyone else. I've been wanting to make these two events part of my morning routine forever. Every day leading up to today instead of berating myself for not doing it, I noticed all the little things that were part of building up this habit, such as waking up earlier, learning how different stretches made my body feel, emotionally telling myself the dogs can wait another hour before going outside so, mentally, I was telling myself it was ok to have needs too. I encouraged myself just to do what I could and not anything more. Each one of those days leading up to today, I might not have set foot on the treadmill, but I was getting one step closer to doing it. I wrote about all these feelings too. By doing that, I got in touch with parts of my soul that I hadn't been in touch with in a very long time, especially how I unknowingly adopted a self-hate tape that runs on repeat. 


I didn't demand perfection. I just did what I could. I didn't demand I run for an hour. I just did what I could. I didn't demand my body be skinnier. I am just doing what I can. It is only when we love ourselves do we allow our true self to emerge and our sense of power springs forth naturally. 


I found out that once I tried to take the pressure off and have some self-compassion, it was those negative controls - those mean voices, the judgments, the guilt- that block us from our happiness and, consequently, our success. My motivation to run is no longer such a battle. 


Take care of the body that allows you to live this powerful life. Be grateful of your happy self. Make your soul blossom. Your body will follow. Only weeds bloom from all those words of hate, disgust, anger, deficiency we tell ourselves. 


It's not, "If I jog, I will be a better person"; it's, "I am a beautiful person who loves my body so much that I want to take care of it."

GLEE

The things I like about Glee include its theme of everyone matters, to find your own talents and be confident in the face of adversity. The problem with Glee is it has several uncomfortable, cheesy moments in which we are reminded life beyond is no different than high school. We are still trying to conquer those same old high school issues but in a different arena. Like the kids on the show who tackle relationship and identity issues as they move from regionals to sectionals, we adults have an on-going narrative that includes the same struggles:  searching for our own voice, power, and authenticity, and finding our way through the ever-changing characters, routines, and ourselves, trying to find that special someone who will support us.

In short, the show reminds us we haven't or will never leave high school drama even though we badly want to unharness ourselves from the weight of self-development. Will and Ms. P explicitly remind us this as in most episodes they mirror what is happening to the teens. Yet, the crux of what makes Glee so absorbing is it reminds us to be in the glorious moment - to stop and pause, soaking in all the delight that manifests around us as we go about our never-ending search for clarity. Those moments of pure, utter feeling, whether it be the euphoria of seeing our crush (perhaps over and over again if you're married to him) or the gnawing in our stomach that pushes us to produce our best, should be cherished and savored. If we simply focus on the pain and disruption we experience throughout our identity quest, we only see half our world, and it demoralizes us, negating our energy to keep pushing forward. As Glee reminds us when they take pause to sing, there are times where the world needs to fade away and we need to pay attention to all the charm around us and listen to what our heart is saying.

Indeed, it is a skill to remind ourselves to look for good within bad. But that's part of life's singing lesson. When we think about it, most of our adult problems demonstrate the same issues the Glee kids deal with but just expanded, with much larger complications and consequences; however, at the core, it's primarily a choice between your authentic self and the internalized external world. Some might say this is the ongoing battle to find balance between the heart and mind or your true self and your superego. The heart is the general sense of self-fulfillment, working your way to a higher self, which we are reminded of when someone prompts us to listen to our heart for the answer. Conversely, the superego is that internalized version of the outside world, the critical voice that reflects social standards learned from the outer realm, which assumes we should act in a socially acceptable manner in order to fit in with "allowable" notions of behavior.

Glee is a blatant attempt to highlight the disconnect between these two and remind us of the numerous options beyond the over-simplified duality of life. Even though the characters feel utterly contrived (the abstinent but pregnant cheerleader, the dumb but loving quarterback, the empowered but sensitive black girl, the closeted but eccentric gay kid, etc.), they do exceed these normative labels by listening to their heart.

You can either dismiss Glee by thinking you can't appreciate the show since it's painful to watch because you know the characters will always do the right thing, which can be less than thrilling. Yet, one of the enduring qualities of the show includes this extreme exaggeration, calling our attention to an element of the human condition: we sacrifice our authenticity to be part of the group. However, Glee, at times, complicates these limiting labels. Trying on a stereotype can be meaningful - it can be a guide of what identity we want to achieve this week; sometimes when we are wearing it, though, we need to make alterations to appease our own hearts. While the show reminds us we are often culturally marked by the label we wear, it also reminds us we have power to add a new dimension to that label by taking a breath, focusing on what we want to express, and continuously pushing boundaries. This doesn't mean the world or that critical voice in your head won't make it profoundly challenging. But it does mean we can have some peace knowing we value our own uniqueness.

In the end, I was tired of being preoccupied with sexual predators and murders from Dexter (why am I paying money for someone to put horrible ideas in my head), so it's okay I wanted entertainment to have a freshly baked happy ending for awhile. It's okay I recognize most of the time we all want to sing our hearts out and we need to - it's cathartic. Although the show might not get our attention with superfluous plots, limited settings, or routine conflicts, we do get involved by Glee's art of marvelous distraction - the song -  a diversion from the negative and mundane thought patterns that so easily consumes those gleeful and lively moments we also get to experience but sometimes forget to savor.

What's No Longer Eating Me

I haven't eaten any red or white meat for two weeks now. I have scarcely consumed fish. This all began when I was looking for new vegetable side recipes, and I stumbled upon violent slaughter videos that exposed how inhumane we really are.


Let me start off saying this is not an attempt to convert you to veganism. This is my way of analyzing and clarifying my thoughts on the organic food/meat industry so I can find take a logical, balanced approach to eating in the 21st century. I understand because I live in California, where farming and fresh produce are ample, I give the money I used to give to the cable company to those farmers, I work mostly from home so I have access to food easily, I am not a proathlete, and I have yet to have children, my life choices are easier. But in some ways, because of these certain privileges, I hope my life choices will eventually result in better food options across the board for all. 


Well, one of the issues in this progressive food movement for me is we can either be righteous or we can be healthy. I understand some people think buying organic and going green is "trendy," but what's wrong with that? We all jump on certain bandwagons from time to time. I think deep down inside a lot of us simply are scared someone else knows something we don't and that knowledge can be used as power over us, so we deny that opportunity instantly by negating it and move on - we negate it by telling ourselves this new idea is dumb and someone else thought of it, so why should we buy in. Ultimately, I will never truly know anyone else's true intentions. This is primarily a search for my own. Thus, I will stop judging and stop labeling this food movement "hip" in an attempt to omit my ignorance of the issue. 


What bothers me is that two overt ideas became even more visible as they relate to food: mass consumption and greed.  It seems to me that the most effective marketing strategy around is to hijack one of our basic physiological needs (breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, etc) and exploit it, reframe it, then bedazzle it into a false security, which is the next level of Maslow's hierarchy: safety (security of body, security of employment, security of resources, security of morality, security of the family, security of health, security of property). Advertisers do this so we will BUY, BUY, BUY, creating a highly distorted "demand" of such. Simply google "Maslow's Hierarchy" and see how many sites promote his pyramid as the foundation to getting people to spend money. In short, the more of something we have (more cows, pigs, chickens, etc), the more secure we feel (nothing will threaten my survival) and we keep on buying. But we can survive, and thrive, without over doing it in the meat department.


Most of us have caught on and become discriminating consumers when it comes to stuff. And I know most of us are analyzing how to eliminate the useless stuff we have in our life in order to live more simply yet richly - quality over quantity. But why haven't we done this with our food? How is marketing/big business dictating our food choices? 


Just because we have industrialized the food production in our country does not mean it is meeting our current needs. Big money is controlling our health. The question is "How do four food conglomerates control our food making decisions?" And it is something we all should worry about because our choices are limited by what these four corporations make available for us to buy. ( Food, Inc is eye-opening.) 


The food companies are not meeting my needs in two ways: gross overproduction (mass consumption - because it's there, we will eat it) and highly inhumane practices (greed - the bottom line is how do I make money regardless of the sacredness of life), so I am going to make my dollar vote other places. 


I haven't simply limited consumption of meat because of highly documented animal sensitivities to pain, but I have also been "paleoed" out because we have been eating meat twice a day (paleo diet includes meat, veggies, nuts, etc - elimination of processed food). Did cavepeople eat meat this much? 


Because I never had dogs growing up, I never made this connection between animals, pain, and the hamburger in my happy meal. But because I have dogs now and I see their emotions (or what I think are their emotions), I clearly see they are sensitive creatures. 


To address this first topic of animals feeling pain, I look to Peter Singer (a controversial philosopher and professor who wrote the leading book on animal rights). His findings include three things:
1. We can't know another's subjective experience; we can only infer it.
"Do animals other than humans feel pain? How do we know? ... We know that we ourselves can feel pain. ... But how do we know that anyone else feels pain? We cannot directly experience anyone else's pain, whether that 'anyone' is our best friend or a stray dog. Pain is a state of consciousness, a 'mental event,' and as such it can never be observed. Behavior like writhing, screaming, or drawing one's hand away from the lighted cigarette is not pain itself; nor are the recordings a neurologist might make of activity within the brain observations of pain itself. Pain is something that we feel, and we can only infer that others are feeling it from various external indications."


"... while it might present a puzzle for philosophers, none of us has the slightest real doubt that our close friends feel pain just as we do. ... If it is justifiable to assume that other human beings feel pain as we do, is there any reason why a similar inference should be unjustifiable in the case of other animals?"

2. It should be inferred that animals feel pain.
- "Nearly all the external signs that lead us to infer pain in other humans can be seen in other species..."

- "... we know that these animals have nervous systems very like ours, which respond physiologically as ours do ..."

- "... the nervous systems of other animals were not artificially constructed ... [they] evolved as our own did ... It is surely unreasonable to suppose that nervous systems that are virtually identical physiologically, have a common origin and a common evolutionary function, and result in similar forms of behavior in similar circumstances should actually operate in an entirely different manner on the level of subjective feelings."


3. We can't be precise about other beings' experience of pain, but precision is not essential in determining whether the principle of equality should be applied.

"So to conclude: there are no good reasons, scientific or philosophical, for denying that animals feel pain. If we do not doubt that other humans feel pain we should not doubt that other animals do so too."

He then talks about differences between humans and non-humans in things like: what is painful, how much suffering does pain cause, some kinds of pain humans experience that probably animals don't (like fear about something a human can know might happen while an animal can't know about it).

He addresses whether these differences mean that the principle of equality doesn't apply:"It may be objected that comparisons of the sufferings of different species are impossible to make and that for this reason when the interests of animals and humans clash the principle of equality gives no guidance. It is probably true that comparisons of suffering between members of different species cannot be made precisely, but precision is not essential."

To address the second issue of how much meat I was consuming, all I did was listen to my body at first. I felt heavy and dull. I was eating more meat than veggies. I noticed this, and since making a change, I feel great. Next, I did some minor research. 


It has been advised if we cut down our meat intake to just 3.1 oz a day, the benefits to our environment, our animals, our health will indeed serve as inspiration to keep doing it. According to the NYTIMES (to pick one article out of several) states:  "Americans are downing close to 200 pounds of meat, poultry and fish per capita per year (dairy and eggs are separate, and hardly insignificant), an increase of 50 pounds per person from 50 years ago. We each consume something like 110 grams of protein a day, about twice the federal government’s recommended allowance; of that, about 75 grams come from animal protein. (The recommended level is itself considered by many dietary experts to be higher than it needs to be.)" Do we need all this food?  Meatless Mondays have caught on numerous places. The initiative encourages us to take a break from meat just one day a week. 


Even a small change is better than none.  I do, however, believe we still need meat, but not the mindless consumption the food industry is promoting now. I will still eat various meats when my body feels like it - but on a restrained level, but before I do, I will show reverence for the life that was given to nourish my own. 


The video below speaks about these issues better than I. I like his well-balanced approach to food. 

Whether or not you make a dietary change is not a issue for me right now. Rather this is to make myself feel more empowered because my choices are more informed.


I am taking my power back, voting with my dollar, listening to my body, and aligning my everyday choices with my overall principles, which make me feel vibrant, in control, and healthy. This is just another step in my process of getting the life I want.