Be a Man - Not a Woman (And You Must Constantly Prove It)

What is the worst a man can be? A woman.


At a former high school where I worked, the football coach motivated boys with this cliche. Fathers in tv shows expect young boys not to be a girl by actually showing emotions and reprimand them to man up . The military reminds men to not be "pussy" and cry. This sentiment is practically built into the every day dynamics between men.


Lately, I am overwhelmed with advertising that vehemently states this. Regardless if advertising simply reflects our society or advertising denotes our society, we either need to change society at the root of the problem by heightening our awareness to this issue or let our dollar vote for our values.


While advertising may be a symptom of the larger culturally embedded sexism, we need to start somewhere. These commercials just seem to me to be layered thicker and thicker with this idea of powerful men being least like women. We have heard this line for centuries, and I think (well I hope) most of us see through it.


Over the past 30 years, women have made great strides (though the work is not done yet). Now, men must catch up to the enlightenment beyond binary gender codes. However, marketing campaigns do not seem to want that to happen.  While we understand those who sell products oversimplify and intensify in order to reach the broadest spectrum of buyers, what we see can determine how we behave.


It appears advertising is trying to widen the gap between men and women and make it seem natural that we don't want any product that the opposite gender uses. But mostly this is designated towards men. Men must have manly products, which equals the farthest thing away from woman.


These products unquestionably use the marketing strategy of "Otherness," or exclusion, to sell products, especially the intense exclusion of women from the buying demographic. Perhaps it is a backlash to the power  women have gained (and actual space they have gained in the boardrooms or battlefields) that these ads represent. These ads enforce women's emasculation of men.


Look at the Charger ad that ran at the last Superbowl that tells men because they put up with all a women's shit, they have earned at least a space to call their own = a manly Dodge Charger.


What a hard place to be if you are a man! Your two options are either a hyper masculinity or a castrated wimp that must BUY back your balls!


For both genders, the drive to look hot as well as the potent push for well-earned self-glorification hasn't been higher.  Advertisers are starting to see that "metrosexuals" are a huge buying population. These "young, urban, heterosexual males with liberal political views, an interest in fashion, and a refined sense of taste" are the new tweens in the marketing world - they represent a large consumer population that has gone unnoticed until recently.


This demographic might be seized by some marketers, but other advertisers are capitalizing on the fear that "real" men may be losing their dominance or being pushed out of society by this hipper man or gay/lesbian buyers.


This fear could be used by advertisers vying for dollars between the sexes, disguising a gendered power play to increase the marketer's profit. Men can gain back the purchasing power from the traditional demographic of women who are the holders of the purse strings: currently women buy 85% of consumer products from health care to autos.  (See more stats here.)


Consequently these marketers are actually building a larger demographic by using this type of advertising. These "manly men" are created by setting a severe cultural standard of a man that men will want to buy into by reminding men of their lost power. Men can again BUY back their dominance, and consumerism gets a place in our lives as a natural, legitimate way to gain more personal power - a sly ploy but one that may not work if men consciously think about the message.


Look at what Dove says about masculinity: Manthem Commercial.  This man doesn't look happy to married or have kids. This man likewise doesn't look happy to have a prescriptive machoness forced on him. But the last few seconds of his Rocky stance, reinforcing his manly power, is supposed to alleviate all these demands, and he feels "comfortable" in his skin, which then allows for the tagline to function.


What's also troubling about this commercial - but also very telling about this manufactured manliness  - is they were able to sum up what it means to be a man in 60 seconds (and notice how teenage sex is a requirement, which again enforces a sexual double standard for males that is supposed to be completely socially acceptable). What are men supposed to recognize here? the clear limits and constraints of masculinity today and the constraints that relationships with women put on their lives?


For me, this definition of masculinity somehow feels flat. Why do men have to prove that they're comfortably manly in order to buy their own body wash?


Furthermore, it absolutely acceptable for women to like what men like, but it is utterly unacceptable for a man to like what a women likes. Women who like hard liquor and football are now getting more consumer options - at least a voice in the traditional male realm, and thus some men and women get to share their favorite hobbies with their partners now.

However, this is not a two-way street for women. Sadly, according to this macho marketing, men undoubtedly cannot share in products that may appeal to females.

Take Dr. Pepper 10. Men cannot like diet soda. They are only allowed to like a macho soda that excludes any preconceived notion that it is for anything to do with women.

Again, poor guys trying to decode all of this amid the apprehension and fear that advertising uses to get to us!

Dr. Pepper says it was joking in order to get the product noticed: "“Women get the joke. ‘Is this really for men or really for women?’ is a way to start the conversation that can spread and get people engaged in the product."

This sounds like that undercover power play discussed earlier. Divide and conquer seems to be the strategy for these marketers. Split women and men, but label it a joke, and watch the dollars roll in. Women won't like not being able to buy it, so in an act of rebellion, they will. Men will be conned into buying it because it is hyper masculinized, and they need to find a way to reclaim their power at any cost, even in their soda selection.

We are reminded by Judith Williamson in Decoding Advertisements that "Products are thus set up as being able to buy the things you cannot buy. This puts them in a position of replacing you: they do things you can't do, for you." Women have been receiving that message forever. Now, men are being told they only become men through the purchase and consumption of these products.

Remember most advertising doesn't sell us products. It sells us values.

If men are empowered to decide what kind of men they want to be, then why does it feel like we’re still being told there’s a definition, out there, of what a man is that we’re supposed to measure up to? Or even further, that there’s a (good old, traditional) definition of a man that they can and should be in opposition to and because of other  newer, different, less masculine, more feminized versions of “man” somebody is forcing upon us?

Think about what Hugo Schwyzer from The Good Men Project believes about this:

Part of the problem, however, with this notion of performing masculinity is the mistaken idea that in order for something to be genuinely manly it must be something women don’t do. And as women have been successful in moving into once all-male bastions, some men have felt the pressure to go to ever more violent and more extreme lengths to “play at manhood.” Within living memory, only men went into combat; within living memory, contact sports for women were non-existent. A man who went to war or played hockey was made more masculine by the role he took as a soldier or a forward. In a world where women go to war—and play hockey—men who believe that true manliness lies in doing what women can’t are forced to create ever more-violent activities from which females can still be excluded. (This explains the rising popularity of the most violent video games, as well as MMA.)

But men who long for a vanished world of all-male preserves are making a fundamental mistake about masculinity. They think that the opposite of “man” is “woman” and that in order to prove oneself the former they must do (perform) things that no woman can. But it makes good sense to suggest that the better antonym of “man” is “boy.”  To “perform masculinity” isn’t about doing what women don’t. It’s about doing what boys lack the will or the maturity to do.

Ok, so if you don't think advertising matters or even affects you, then think about how many times a day this message of you are not a real man unless you have power over women is shown and reciprocated in the way man relate to each other, women, and gay/lesbian people. 


Think about the fact that on a daily basis the definition of this prescribed manliness is to put down women in order to increase manly dominance.


You know people like this who are always cutting down others to make themselves feel powerful. If you have to constantly prove you are powerful, you aren't. And if you aren't powerful, then you need to buy something to replace that lost power at any cost. Thus, this cycle seems to work since marketers are using it on men now: create insecurity and give a product that will provide a solution.


Anyone, it seems, can be a woman or less than a man, but not everyone can be as motivated and courageous as a  "real" man - at least that is what some advertisers are using to sell their products.


However, while advertising is ubiquitous, it isn't the end of the world if they show messages that offend us. But it is a missed opportunity for the marketing area. Across the board many have elevated beyond this false dichotomy: Tony Dungy and Phil Jackson are coaches who motivate with respect; the Parks and Recreation show challenges this sexist phrase; more women are being promoted in the military and awareness is being heightened. 


I just hope little boys have access to other ways of being a man. And sometimes that takes the people around them to drown out this nonsense, highlight the discrepancy, and point them towards enlightenment. 


This definitely is a starting point in analyzing the way gender is performed for men. And it wakes us up to this defunct message outside of the advertising realm and in our every day lives.

On Being a Wife...

"There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination.  Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic."  ~Anaïs Nin

It's hard to admit I haven't been happy. It's hard to admit with all the abundance I have in my life I am still not at peace or as happy as I expected. I don't have the full-time professor job. I don't have my skinny jeans on lately. I don't have the money to invest in my hobbies because I don't have a full-time job. I don't have a true partnership in marriage lately. The only thing I've had is plenty of free time, which is just asking for trouble because you can get into too much reflection and lose yourself. I searched outside for answers to finding more happiness and more direction in life: books, therapists, friends, and family. What I'm learning is our voice can get drowned out by this outside chatter. This journal is an attempt to find my own way and feel authentic in my choices.

Again, this is a work in progress. These have been in my head and I am using this space to work these ideas out, thus some might not be fully formed. While I thought I  understood there may be some happily ever afters but also a dark side to marriage as well, some of us might not even be aware of our expectations of marriage or of our partner till we actually experience these down times and reflect upon them. Below are a few of my illuminations from this time.

1. It's 70% about you and your security/peace/happiness with yourself.

Make yourself happy first: 

But with that time I have learned you must make yourself happy first, then it will naturally make your relationships better. Women are shocked to hear this. Even if you aren't, it's hard to break the cultural and social training that tells women to be self-sacrificing and helpful to others in order to find true happiness. This is an absolute farce. This is not how it works. You aren't half a circle waiting for your spouse to complete you. Make yourself happy first in finding meaningful work, hobbies, and relationships (beyond dating/husbands). Spend time just being you - without having to fit into one of the roles that women are nudged into by society. Spend time alone, find your true likes and dislikes. Work on your psychological self to break free of patterns that no longer serve you. 

Ideally, you and your partner want to be two circles that collide in fluid movement, constantly moving, constantly growing with a foundation of love - more like the infinity sign, which refers to a quantity without bound or end.

Make yourself: Decide who you want to be before just going with traditional expectations

For women, when they have been taught roles like wife and mother are the most important and not taught that finding your unique purpose where your heart, mind, and spirit connect and it feels meaningful to you, how can we be complete before entering into these roles? (And this does not mean that you can't find your purpose in the roles of wife or mother. Just like anything else, hopefully you've had time to analyze your life trajectory without having these roles thrust upon you.) 

First, we must strive to be happy in who we are without these roles, otherwise you are setting your self up to be unfulfilled. It is no one's responsibility to make you happy other than yourself. You will not find deep meaningful happiness in taking care of another person unless its a baby who naturally needs our help - and even this help varies with age.  

Sometimes without us knowing, women are taught to be the mother of her spouse. We move from hottie (that's how we got our husband in the first place), to wife (where love just oozes out of us), to mother (where we have to control all aspects of what he wears to his lunch everyday), to what? What role is after that? All we are left with is outward definitions of ourselves. When we catch on to this switching of roles, we are so out of whack we don't know what to do next. Which next role makes us who we really are? 

What if you decided not to label yourself these descriptions and just found what makes you you is your certain personality traits, your viewpoints, your dreams? It's very easy to limit our selection to these labels and for women, very much accepted in our society. We adopt them and find these stick even when we've said we don't want to be them.  

How does this work when you are a military spouse  - that is when your support network, your job, your friends constantly change? This is delicate territory. You must make yourself try new things to meet new people. And the job thing, well just be prepared it will never be what you want it to if you are married to the military - unless you are a freelancer. 

Expect to change and expect your partner will to: 

Your purpose in life evolves, thus how you relate to others in your ever-evolving perspective will change as well. I remember hearing a story about a young Native American girl and her mother. She asked her mother for advice on her wedding night. The mother held her future son-in-law's picture up and ripped it apart. She told her daughter she is not marrying an image of a person but the actual person - who will change, who will not stay that image in her mind.

Don't put your spouse in a box - having too many expectations on what a husband or wife should be or look like. Or, in other words, don't put limits on yourself or your spouse and what their behavior should be. You cannot control another person and you shouldn't be embarrassed by your partner if he/she does something you wouldn't. Let them be his/her own person. If others judge you based on your spouse, it's their problem. You be content with knowing you allow a person to be free.

This reminds us to keep focus on each one of our unique attempts at happiness as these roles like mother or wife, once achieved, like all things, will grow and change from day to day. Your choice in achieving or acquiring these roles should not define your life trajectory. Recognize a role is only one aspect of who we are. We are not limited to being these, but should remain constantly developing ourselves outside this role. 

The problem for me is, I don’t even really know what I’m looking for in life right now. That's what's hard for me. I don't know where to go next with what I want to do. I've been a wife - check in the box. I've been a dog mom - check in the box. I've been a teacher - check in the box. Now, I guess I'm just trying out new things to see what I like and what I don't.

Reduce your perfectionism: 

Where in your life do you have time to play? Where in your life do things get messy and just happen without your attempt at perfection? As soon as we eliminate free play time, the grip gets tighter on us and self-expression mutes. The pendulum swings to the opposite side and perhaps your relationship becomes messy and drama-filled in order to counter the all-encompassing perfection in your life elsewhere. (We also do this with food.) Understanding that we don't have to be super mom like Kelly Ripa - a mother of three, wife, talk show host, and still has time to do laundry and bake, you can take the pressure off of yourself and enjoy life more.  Just because the supermom is projected as the end all be all for women in most media, remember to be gentle on yourself. Who judges you if you don't meet this standard? Are you your harshest critic? And if people do judge you from the outside, it's their problem not yours. Be content with your messy side. Show personal compassion.

Reduce your self-righteousness: 

Two people can have opposite views but throw the self-righteousness away. I understand you can be utterly passionate about what you "know" to be true in your experience, but ultimately, this is a limiting behavior. One has to be willing to be open to other's views and also balance that will self-expression and authenticity for themselves. This is a tricky balance and one that I am still working on. Look at arguments as a dance instead of arguments are war, with someone losing and someone winning. Both partners can gracefully express their souls.

2. It's 30% about them.

Your partner has to be willing to put the time in as well. Don't agree to life with someone just because it feels right to fulfill the role of marriage as part of your identity.

You must choose a partner who is on the same page with you.  For me, this page is someone introspective and willing to be open to change as well. 

Again, you can't change a person or his behavior; you can only change your reaction to it. Thinking that nagging or criticizing will motivate others may work sometimes, but it drains you of precious energy. However, you must set appropriate boundaries and communicate these to your partner. If he doesn't do his share, you should be willing to move on. 

3. Jealousy has the opposite affect that you want it to.

A writer from TinyBuddha's blog has some good advice on the jealousy:

Being anything less than happy for others was blocking my own chance at success and happiness. 

Like attracts like, so by ruminating in the idea that you don’t have what someone else does have, you’re simply attracting more of what you’re feeling: lack. This means you are actually pushing away the very things you’re craving.

Yet, if you are able to celebrate in the successes of others, you are sending a very clear message to the universe: “I’ll have some of that too, please!”

It all comes down to the energy of the emotions you’re carrying. Frowning on another person’s good fortune doesn’t feel good; therefore, it can’t be creating good things. Feeling excited for someone feels good; therefore, it can help create more good things, for you and for them.

Know you can be jealous of your partner's success or happiness. This relates back to illumination one. You can't be happy for others if you are not happy with yourself. It may be hard to celebrate your partner's good fortune and support him when you aren't proud of where your life is. Counter this feeling with the advice above: make yourself happy first. However, know there are times when you might not be where you want in life. Understand there is always a lesson in tribulation. Resentment/jealousy are not "wrong" emotions. They are emotions given to us for a reason. Become aware of these, but then do the work of searching yourself for clues to why you feel these. 

4. It's your responsibility to cherish love. 

To cherish means to PROTECT and CARE for someone lovingly. Preserve is the best active verb, I believe, to understand the labor involved in cherishing love. Preservation of love means keeping it in its original state, to maintain and keep alive, and to keep safe. By using the word WORK, we are actually setting ourselves up for a false dichotomy: marriage = hard work while love = naturally easy. By conceptually enforcing marriage is hard work we are, in effect, making the opposite of that job - falling in love - as easy. The more we rage against the hard work side, the more we actually impose the hard work on ourselves. 

For some reason, part of the human condition is to rebel against restrictions. Once we say something is difficult, taxing, and strenuous, we have too much pressure on ourselves, and we naturally deflect from doing it. Words make thoughts. Thoughts make beliefs. Beliefs make actions. Actions make our life.  So, by changing our language from marriage is hard work to marriage is ________ (you pick one that works for you). For me, marriage is not one thing. It changes week by week, so remember to not get stuck in one belief for too long for you might not encourage growth. 

I like "greeting card holidays" because they do remind us to slow down and remember that love and family need to be held dear. This is a message we need to be open to. While some might complain they don't need a business to motivate them to spend money for no special reason beyond consumerism, we move to fast in this world today, concentrating on what to buy next instead of being grateful for what we already have.

Try not to be absolute in your reasoning. Yes, partly these holidays are motivated by marketing, but also they prompt us to slow down and appreciate what goodness our life consists of before we rush out to buy more "happiness." If the promotion of buying things irritates you, don't buy things on these holidays. Make your own card, write your own love letter, or do something special that know your partner desires. In the end though, these days are important to cherishing your ever evolving love. But again, remember to make your own holidays and certain rituals that keep you and your spouse reminded of how special love really is. There are tons of people still out there lonely and looking for someone they can appreciate and who can add to their lives. If you already have that person, count your blessings. 

Resolution:

Part of me wishes I could close on a hopeful note. Regardless of the logical side I've been working on here, most of me can't pull to that side of my heart where sometimes it's just good to give in to love again. This time has been utter confusion and sadness as I mourn for the uncomplicated, and well naive, love of my youth.

In keeping with that line of logical reasoning, we know every day is a chance to add to our "laborious mosaic" of identity - specifically, how our identities intersect with our marriage. Every day we can enhance our opportunities to cherish our lives and the love in our lives with the art of reflection and awareness. Now I'm just hoping my heart will follow.